Feeling Your Way Through Grief, 3

Threatened. Grief pummels emotional stability. Like yoga on a paddle board, the emotional self wobbles through normalcy in the midst of grief. Already uneasy, emotional collapse threatens in harsh comments, the mundane, in mistakes and disappointments, and unnecessary commercials. It's no wonder you keep a distance from your emotions. Why wouldn't you? Journal Prompt: I feel threatened by...

Feeling Your Way Through Grief, 2

Senses. Grief is experienced through your senses–your hearing, sight, smell, taste, and touch. A familiar song. Unexpected fluorescent lights. The smell of Autumn. Bites of cheesecake. The texture of a blanket. What you smell, see, taste, hear, and touch show up in your memory of what has been lost. Use your senses to feel your way through grief. Journal Prompts: My grief sounds like... My grief looks like... My grief smells like... My grief tastes like... My grief feels like...

Feeling Your Way Through Grief, 1

Without. Bobbing in feelings of disconnection and isolation, grieving is learning to live without. It's learning to live without people you intended to live with. It's watching from the outside the experiences you hoped for. It's missing milestones you expected to meet. Journal Prompt: I am learning to live without...

Fair Fights, 9

Rumination. Conflicts decrease in fairness when you ruminate obsessively. Having a personal perspective, valid. Reflection for personal growth, helpful. Obsessive rumination, hazardous. Obsessive rumination puts you at risk of responding and reacting out of context. This rumination can fuel self-triggering narratives–sunk deep in your history. It may sound like: "You never think of my needs, just like my mom never considered my needs. No one ever considers my needs." Increasing fair conflict comes with rethinking how much mental real estate you are willing to give rumination. Journal Prompt: Rumination tends to lead to...

Fair Fights, 8

Worn. Conflict is unfair when you fight through already worn sock holes. When you begin repeating yourself, as if you were a pre-recorded mixtape, it is fair for zero people. Recycled conflict is a signal to pause. You need a break. You need to try again later. Journal Prompt: My conflict mixtape sounds like...

Fair Fights, 7

Willingness. Conflict has a bad reputation. Conflict is widely considered a negative indication about a partnership. While it absolutely can be negative and damaging to a relationship, the often forgotten upside is that conflict often demonstrates willingness to engage in the relationship. If you are willing to engage in conflict, you are interested in the outcome. Will you say something wrong? Sometimes, for sure. Will they make mistakes. Yes. Will damage occur during conflict. Perhaps. Despite the difficult parts of conflict, be encouraged, even just for a moment, that your partner's willingness to engage in conflict is often a move toward you. Journal Prompt: Why are you willing to engage in conflict?

Fair Fights, 6

Intimacy. When you build a life with someone, you come to know their intimate stories. Their medical history Their bathroom stories Their fears Their childhood wounds Their pain You have all the vulnerability shots on standby. Intimacy has given you power that you ought to set down during conflict. Using your partner's history against them in conflict, is unfair at best, at worst, cruel and trust eroding. Journal Prompt: I need to...

Fair Fights, 5

Expectations. Unexpressed expectations inflame conflict. Your partner does not automatically know what you need. Nor, should you expect this automation. You can hear the resounding, I want them to know what I need, without having to say anything. It is not fair to expect what you have not expressed. It is realistic to expect that you will need to over-communicate (more than twice) your needs, to cut through all the noise in a relationship. You sit down with your partner, eyeball to eyeball, and use I-statements. I need 15 minutes to process my feelings. I am feeling overwhelmed. I need help with _________. You say what you need and why it is important to you. I am feeling anxious about our busy life. I need more time to connect, without children, and outside of the work week. This will help me feel more secure while we are passing each other during a busy week. And then, at another appropriate time, you repeat yourself, without blaming, without being passive aggressive, and not forgetting those blessed I-statements. You assert what you need. You don't suffer in silence hoping your partner will guess what you need. Journal Prompt: I need to express…

Fair Fights, 4

Avoidance. Stress on the relationship compounds when you avoid conflict. Other words for avoid: ignore, dismiss, minimize, dodge, my favorite, side step. Avoidance can feel as though you are providing a neighborly service for your relationship; I am, "keeping the peace" and "not rocking the boat". In the short-term, avoidance is rewarding. It frees you from conflict anxiety and provides the illusion of peace. But, longterm avoidance builds and often surprises you with out-of-context reactions. These reactions can create more damage and will certainly involve the conflict you were previously avoiding. Avoidance is not a sustainable way to manage conflict. Journal Prompt: Process and describe any conflict building up for you.

Fair Fights, 3

Unbalanced. Fights are not fair if there is only one right way. If relationships function as if there is, only one right way, then, only one person is being represented. Relationships are left out of balance. Underrepresented partners get lost. Brent Atkinson, a respected couples therapist and researcher, highlights how important it is to acknowledge and respect that there are many right ways to do life and approach relationships. Conflict needs to make room for many right ways if they aim to be fair. Journal Prompt: Conflict would feel more balanced if...