Rumination. Conflicts decrease in fairness when you ruminate obsessively. Having a personal perspective, valid. Reflection for personal growth, helpful. Obsessive rumination, hazardous. Obsessive rumination puts you at risk of responding and reacting out of context. This rumination can fuel self-triggering narratives–sunk deep in your history. It may sound like: "You never think of my needs, just like my mom never considered my needs. No one ever considers my needs." Increasing fair conflict comes with rethinking how much mental real estate you are willing to give rumination. Journal Prompt: Rumination tends to lead to...

Worn. Conflict is unfair when you fight through already worn sock holes. When you begin repeating yourself, as if you were a pre-recorded mixtape, it is fair for zero people. Recycled conflict is a signal to pause. You need a break. You need to try again later. Journal Prompt: My conflict mixtape sounds like...

Willingness. Conflict has a bad reputation. Conflict is widely considered a negative indication about a partnership. While it absolutely can be negative and damaging to a relationship, the often forgotten upside is that conflict often demonstrates willingness to engage in the relationship. If you are willing to engage in conflict, you are interested in the outcome. Will you say something wrong? Sometimes, for sure. Will they make mistakes. Yes. Will damage occur during conflict. Perhaps. Despite the difficult parts of conflict, be encouraged, even just for a moment, that your partner's willingness to engage in conflict is often a move toward you. Journal Prompt: Why are you willing to engage in conflict?