Rumination. Conflicts decrease in fairness when you ruminate obsessively. Having a personal perspective, valid. Reflection for personal growth, helpful. Obsessive rumination, hazardous. Obsessive rumination puts you at risk of responding and reacting out of context. This rumination can fuel self-triggering narratives–sunk deep in your history. It may sound like: "You never think of my needs, just like my mom never considered my needs. No one ever considers my needs." Increasing fair conflict comes with rethinking how much mental real estate you are willing to give rumination. Journal Prompt: Rumination tends to lead to...

Worn. Conflict is unfair when you fight through already worn sock holes. When you begin repeating yourself, as if you were a pre-recorded mixtape, it is fair for zero people. Recycled conflict is a signal to pause. You need a break. You need to try again later. Journal Prompt: My conflict mixtape sounds like...

Willingness. Conflict has a bad reputation. Conflict is widely considered a negative indication about a partnership. While it absolutely can be negative and damaging to a relationship, the often forgotten upside is that conflict often demonstrates willingness to engage in the relationship. If you are willing to engage in conflict, you are interested in the outcome. Will you say something wrong? Sometimes, for sure. Will they make mistakes. Yes. Will damage occur during conflict. Perhaps. Despite the difficult parts of conflict, be encouraged, even just for a moment, that your partner's willingness to engage in conflict is often a move toward you. Journal Prompt: Why are you willing to engage in conflict?

Intimacy. When you build a life with someone, you come to know their intimate stories. Their medical history Their bathroom stories Their fears Their childhood wounds Their pain You have all the vulnerability shots on standby. Intimacy has given you power that you ought to set down during conflict. Using your partner's history against them in conflict, is unfair at best, at worst, cruel and trust eroding. Journal Prompt: I need to...

Expectations. Unexpressed expectations inflame conflict. Your partner does not automatically know what you need. Nor, should you expect this automation. You can hear the resounding, I want them to know what I need, without having to say anything. It is not fair to expect what you have not expressed. It is realistic to expect that you will need to over-communicate (more than twice) your needs, to cut through all the noise in a relationship. You sit down with your partner, eyeball to eyeball, and use I-statements. I need 15 minutes to process my feelings. I am feeling overwhelmed. I need help with _________. You say what you need and why it is important to you. I am feeling anxious about our busy life. I need more time to connect, without children, and outside of the work week. This will help me feel more secure while we are passing each other during a busy week. And then, at another appropriate time, you repeat yourself, without blaming, without being passive aggressive, and not forgetting those blessed I-statements. You assert what you need. You don't suffer in silence hoping your partner will guess what you need. Journal Prompt: I need to express…

Avoidance. Stress on the relationship compounds when you avoid conflict. Other words for avoid: ignore, dismiss, minimize, dodge, my favorite, side step. Avoidance can feel as though you are providing a neighborly service for your relationship; I am, "keeping the peace" and "not rocking the boat". In the short-term, avoidance is rewarding. It frees you from conflict anxiety and provides the illusion of peace. But, longterm avoidance builds and often surprises you with out-of-context reactions. These reactions can create more damage and will certainly involve the conflict you were previously avoiding. Avoidance is not a sustainable way to manage conflict. Journal Prompt: Process and describe any conflict building up for you.

Unbalanced. Fights are not fair if there is only one right way. If relationships function as if there is, only one right way, then, only one person is being represented. Relationships are left out of balance. Underrepresented partners get lost. Brent Atkinson, a respected couples therapist and researcher, highlights how important it is to acknowledge and respect that there are many right ways to do life and approach relationships. Conflict needs to make room for many right ways if they aim to be fair. Journal Prompt: Conflict would feel more balanced if...

Everyone loses when you fight beyond your stress limits. You have been misled to believe that you ought to battle out every conflict to the bitter end. Your conflict, trudging a worn path of re-runs and greatest hits. Please. Go to bed mad. Allow yourself a break to calm down. A break, not an excuse to avoid conflict. A break for your brain to return to a calmer and problem-solving mode. The experts say at least 20 minutes, but up to 24 hours. Fight fair by expecting and asserting more timeouts in conflict. Journal Prompts: I wish I would have taken a break... I wish someone else would have taken a break when...

Passive aggressive moves are unfair and confusing in conflict. Passive aggression punishes through indirect communication. For instance, intentionally delaying a text. Or, accidentally forgetting to do something. The Gottman Institute, a research organization for relationships, highlights other sly ways passive aggressive moves surface. The institute states, "Sometimes a person uses humor to express hostility and then accuses you of being 'too sensitive'.” Passive aggressive communication is a tricky way to fight. The actions are confusing. They can seem benign, and also, an intentional way to release anger. Passive aggressive communication is a signal you might have difficulty communicating directly. In another example, a passive aggressive move might be purposefully withdrawing from conversation because you feel angry and then later describing your action as neutral, "I wasn't mad, I was just tired". Who could blame you for being tired? At best, passive aggressive moves release anger temporarily. At worst, they slowly chew at the foundation of your relationship. Journal Prompt: I have used passive aggressive moves to communicate...