Tag: Agency

The Impact of Parents, 8

Acceptance. Parental acceptance is an anchor for a developing child. If acceptance was given in scraps, you may not have had a strong sense of self, especially in contrast to someone who was given it in abundance. Child experiences easily can become adult experiences. Thankfully, awareness matters, and you have the capability to gather a positive sense of self as an adult. The first stop, grieve what you were not given. Journal Prompt: My parent accepted... My parent definitely did not accept... I needed to be accepted for... Accepting myself as an adult is...

The Impact of Parents, 6

Functioning. If you watched your parents over-function, there's a good chance you learned to harness the skill. Over-functioning is taking responsibility for the thinking, feeling, and doing of others. It's a silent killer in that repetitive exposure in formative years falsely communicates that over-functioning is a duty, not a choice. It proclaims, this is the right way to be in a relationship. It's you at the airport hauling your luggage and insisting on hauling another adult's luggage, while they stroll hands-free. But over-functioning is never a long-term strategy, eventually you get tired and angry. Eventually you have to go over the little bump on the jet bridge and your insistence of kindness turns to anger and resentment. You can unlearn the compulsion to over-function. You are allowed to walk through the airport with only your luggage. You can practice tolerating the anxiety of watching another adult manage what they decided to bring. Journal Prompts: I over-function when I feel... I watched my parents... I want to unlearn...

The Impact of Parents, 5

Withdrawal. If you have memories of your parents withdrawing, you have memories of being alone. Withdrawal is most debilitating when as a kid you need direction and boundaries, but instead, with minimal swimming experience, you were left flailing for a life raft. Withdrawal is most debilitating when as a kid you need direction and boundaries, but instead, with minimal swimming experience, you were left flailing for a life raft. Your adult job is to explore what that silence meant to you and the gaps it left. It is not your adult job to reach across the fence and fix your parents. Journal Prompts: The silence meant... Being alone felt like... I needed...

The Impact of Parents, 4

Emotions. If, as a child, you knew more about your parent's emotional life than your own; If their emotions were a job for you to fix, manage, or bumper; If their emotional state was always more important; you were groomed to be a vigilant caretaker for something that is not yours. Too young, we are taught (read imprinted) on what we are responsible for. Hello adult over-functioning. If you've not been told, you are not supposed to function as the thermostat for your parent's emotional well-being. Recall from the first day, you have agency. You are allowed to forge a different path as an adult. You have permission to unlearn. Permission granted to leave the swamp of resentment. Journal Prompts: The emotions of my parents were... My resentment shows up wh

The Impact of Parents, 3

Predictable. If you could expect a range of reasonably healthy behaviors from your parents, life was somewhat predictable. Like if you watched your parent get frustrated and they ranged from coaching themself through deep breaths, maybe dropping a few curse words, and then moving on with the day, life was predictable. Conversely, if you experienced a wide range of behaviors, often touching categories of unhealthy, life was not predictable. Like if you watched your parent get frustrated and was unsure if you would watch a person become, verbally aggressive, or calm, or throw a dish, or be manipulative, or be ice silent for an unknown amount of time, life was not predictable. Too much unknown, especially within unhealthy behaviors, lays footprints of insecurity for kids. Kids who struggle with insecurity can become adults who struggle with insecurity. Journal Prompts: I could expect... The range of parent responses were... As an adult, my relationships have a range of behaviors like...

The Impact of Parents, 2

Present. If your parents were able to break through the chaos of adult problems and find moments of eye contact and present warmth, the message was, you are valued, you belong here. If olympic strides were needed to gain engaged connection with your parents, you began to wonder, do I matter here? If thoughts and feelings were dismissed, minimized, or even ignored, steel footprints for 30-story buildings began to form for protection. It would be easy for a child to begin to wonder if they are really alone here. The impact is found in your current adult relationships. Do you live with a sentiment of value and belonging? Is your 30-story building fully built-out with stainless-steel appliances and a doorman? Journal Prompts: My parents were present when... My thoughts mattered when... I needed my parents to be present when...