Emotional Equality in Relationships, Part 1

I don’t know as if I would call myself a feminist. I believe in equality, fairness, and mutual respect. Wherever that puts me on the issue, that’s where I am. More than labels, I am interested in the clinical cost of women’s lack of the above and how it shows up in my office.

I don’t assume this is representative of everyone’s experience. I will only speak to my experience as a clinician.

What I experience, is women more often than men, coming into my office with the emotional weight of  relationships. Women often bring in the entire emotional weight of the relationship. Not solely their side of the emotions; their partners’ side, their side, and everyone in-betweens’ side.

I see a lack of equality, perhaps propelled by poor boundaries, in the emotional responsibility of relationships. I don’t think this is the “man’s fault” either. I am not an angry woman blaming men. I value and respect men just as I do women. My purpose is to encourage women to ask themselves a few honest questions, in hopes of re-aligning emotional boundaries and gaining a healthier mental state and relationship.

Questions I would consider are connected to the women’s tendency toward an over-developed sense of responsibility in relationships, I would include non-romantic relationships as well.

Question: Have we as a culture taught women to be the more responsible party for the emotional health of relationships? In our homes, do we teach women to unequally take on the emotional weight of relationships? Have we groomed women to be the anxious and over-responsible party?

 

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Let’s consider roles.

Growing up, I remember a lot of female babysitters. I don’t remember males. Is it possible we taught our females that caregiving and the health of the people around us is the female’s responsibility?

Growing up, I watched my grandmothers discuss and worry about the health of the family. I remember well, their worried and anxious faces.

Growing up, more often than not I watched mothers stay home and care for children and help them learn how to emotionally develop.

Growing up, I watched many female friends struggle with this pull towards carrying the emotional responsibility in relationships.

 

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Has our culture taught men to be passive in relationships? Have women accidentally taught men they shouldn’t take on emotional responsibility, or that it is not their appropriate role? Because, “we got it, ” and “We will do all the worrying for you,” and “thanks, did you need me to get you something?…”

I see these experiences and roles as a clinical problem. Too often women come in, and spill their hearts, and experience and take on the pain of too many problems that are not their own. This dynamic breeds anxiety and over time resentment.

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Being capable and equipped with the skills to care for others and be nurturing is a gift. I am strictly speaking to the over-indulgent emotional bearers. The…I have eaten one too many peanut butter M&Ms out of the bag type experience. 

 

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Empathy can be defined as the ability to feel with people and lean into others’ pain. This is a beautiful thing, but this doesn’t mean one needs to act as a sponge and absorb the responsibility of resolution. Being a sponge is heavy and over time stinky.

 

Dear women,

It’s time to re-align your boundaries.

Your anxiety is built on things you cannot control.

It’s time to stand up and appropriately share

the anxiety and emotional weight of problems,

the problems that are not yours to solely solve.

 

With love,

Your mental health and quality of relationships

 

The beautiful part. When you abstain from taking on all of the emotional weight of others’ problems, you give them space and respect to solve it themselves. That’s fair, that’s mutual, that’s equality. 

Let’s re-frame. Is it potentially irresponsible to attempt to solve and take on the emotional responsibility for someone?

Another question. Let’s look at it from your experience. Has it been valuable for you to feel the emotional weight of your problems? How else do we live, learn, and grow if we don’t experience reality? If it’s too filtered by others’ protection, we may have too distorted view of reality. This won’t be healthy longterm nor appropriate. This dynamic creates too much dependency and stifles appropriate independence in relationships.

Again, this is not all women. And this is not every circumstance. But I experience it too often to ignore.

Last question. What’s the benefit of having fairness and equality in the emotional relationship? In my office, I watch it free people up to love and connect in healthier ways.

 

In part 2 we will focus on ways to promote emotional equality in relationships.

 

Peace. Gratitude.