The act of avoidance is found in relationships. Avoidance shifts attention, keeps us outsourced, and removes us from seeing our own issues and doing our own work.
Avoidance can be expressed in “if only” statements.
If only _________ was fixed.
If only they did ______________.
If only they said _____________.
If only they were__________.
What we may really be saying is, “My emotions (peace, ability to be happy, etc) have been placed outside of me.”
This is the great distraction.
If we can manage to keep attention on what is outside of us, we consume our minds long enough to avoid ourselves.
If we fixate on what is out of our control, we’ve left ourselves enslaved and in an endless pattern waiting for others to change and waiting for others to manage our emotions. No doubt, depression and anxiety ensue when this fixation becomes a habit.
Certainly the behaviors and words of others influence state of being. We would never disagree with that.
The avoidance debate is how our expressed emotions toward others can distract us from dealing with ourselves. Relationships are the best example of this.
It’s possible to drown in an ocean of disappointment, completely unaware of our own boat. Unaware of our self-efficacy to moderate ourselves instead of react to others. We lose our ability to balance being both separate and connected.
An example:
A member of a relationship could find themselves in a wheel of personal shame best expressed through anger towards people they love.
Look at it again:
A member of a relationship could find themselves in a wheel of personal shame (avoid this, this is hard to look at) best expressed through anger (distraction) towards people they love.
Anger is an easier emotion than shame. Added benefit, anger pushes people away so vulnerability is spared and protection remains.
In this example, we have missed our opportunity to connect inwardly and work on ourselves. Our own work was sold to the impulse of emotions. It’s easier to be mad and angry (distraction and avoidance) at others rather than to look inward and address ourselves honestly.
Longterm consequences:
It’s possible to function through life, moving from emotion to emotion about things outside of us (distraction and avoidance) and by consequence miss out on our own life and growth; what is actually in our control.
So why avoid? Is there a benefit to avoidance? Yes.
Protection.
Our expressed emotions (anger) represent how difficult it would be to look inwardly? It would be unbearable perhaps. The lengths we go to outsource emotions (distract and avoid) and the length we go to fixate on others’ behavior may indicate how difficult it would be to look at ourselves honestly.
When we recognize this in our relationships, perhaps it is time to challenge strong expressed emotions. Perhaps it really isn’t about them, maybe it’s about us? Perhaps we do inventory on ourselves and come back to what is within our control.
Peace & Gratitude
Mental Health & Journaling 
I really think verbally expressing my emotions , makes me address them, so to solve the problem they may cause. If I look inside, I gloss over them and go on to other thoughts. Putting anger or love or frustration into words gives them validity and I must think twice, before speaking, so makes me decide if it is important. Speaking about them makes me face them.
I agree! I am definitely a fan of external processing as well. I need it to help me identify and work through issues. I think in this post, it’s less about the processing and more about reflecting on if people’s issues are used as a distraction to dealing with our own issues, whether they are expressed or not. Thanks for the read.