Depressed because I’m Human not because I’m Mentally Ill

I’m aware of our culture’s low tolerance for the uncomfortable.

In my experience, there seems to be a fear that drives this low tolerance. The fear of limitations; that we can’t fix everything, that it will remain messy, and resolution will not come. This fear seems to keep us in fixing mode and our tolerance low for difficult realities.

This approach to depression management seems to be incomplete.

I think fixing-focused can simply feel dismissive for those responding to what is truly depressing and for those responding in a way that is human.

I do believe there are merited ways to manage depression; our exercise, diet, sleep, support system…

But in the midst of depression these solutions seem to invalidate and dismiss the deep empty space people feel. These to do lists and coping skills just seem unobtainable at times during depressive states. It seems to me, there is an experience to tolerate, to be present with, and and be apart of before an approach is made on depression management solutions.

My focus today is depression, but I believe the same principles extend to other life experiences…

• Death
• Disappointment
• Trauma
• Betrayal
• Loss

Reflection.

Can we change the goal? Instead of a focus on fixing, could we transition our perspective to increasing our tolerance for our human response and experience. Could we even go further, would we dare use the language, respect and honor it?

What if,  instead of viewing depression as something to be fixed, it is viewed as an outer expression in need of validation. A space we make room for instead of dismiss.

Perhaps there’s something that has to be learned through our depression; that the only way through, is experiencing depression, not fighting it.

Let’s take divorce and death for example; two common experiences. Wouldn’t it be odd and dismissive for us to not acknowledge these losses with grieving periods? Wouldn’t it be harsh to push ourselves and other people into a robotic “I’m fine” conversation. I don’t think anyone intends to do this, I think it naturally happens in our culture. Undoubtedly, it’s uncomfortable to watch people be sad, to watch people suffer. Who wouldn’t want to provide relief and a positive spin in the face of despair? But maybe with good intentions, we get it wrong. Maybe we miss what people actually need when they are depressed?

What seems to be expressed in this type of fixing is: I can’t tolerate how difficult this is for you, I can’t sit in this, we need to move to solution conversation. This lacks acknowledgement and validation for people’s humanity, for their current reality. I don’t believe this is how depression is worked through, I believe this is how depression is dismissed and perhaps led to more isolating behavior and more depressed feelings.

The big idea is to change the goal. Working through depression is perhaps more about increasing tolerance for the uncomfortable with ourselves and those around us. Increasing tolerance is about validation and acknowledging; being willing to enter into dark spaces with people and listen, and allow suffering to occur. I believe this type of tolerance is what actually brings about healing for people.

For support people:

Perhaps instead of fixing-focused conversation, you could extend your tolerance for them to be as is; uncomfortable, a little lost, hopeless, afraid, and angry.

Aren’t we all a little of all those things…

Arguably there are many ways to work through depression. From my view, adjusting our perspective and goal as a culture is more beneficial in managing depression; seeking to respect the humanity of ourselves, and not pushing the robotic part of ourselves that is divorced from feeling and experiencing.