Projection

*A mutual goal of a healthy relationship is an assumption of this post. Mutual relationship = My experience is just as important as yours. Different boundaries and communication strategies will likely suit non-mutual relationships.

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Projection can occur in our relationships when we feel powerless. It can act as avoidance of conflict and is likely to show up passively in other relationships.

To remedy, it takes increased willingness to be honest with ourselves and others. Thankfully, awareness of projection is a significant part of the remedy. Here are a few everyday examples to help with awareness.

Example A

Man goes to his work environment where his coworker is often critical of him and tends to micromanage his work. Man feels frustrated and powerless in work environment yet does not express his experience with his coworker directly.

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Man goes to home environment and finds himself reactive and critical of partner. Conflict increases in the relationship while man tries to find empowered feelings to compensate for the lack at work.

Example B

Woman who primarily manages the home and children, feels lonely and neglected by partner. Woman begins to view a child as similar to herself (lonely and neglected) and brings attention to child’s well-being to her partner. Woman puts her feelings and unmet needs on to their child (passive communication). The focus becomes the child and is now inappropriately involved in the relational issue. Conflict, chaos, and unfortunately unmet needs still result.

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Expressing ourselves indirectly is confusing.

When we project, we make it more comfortable for us to express difficult emotions. Unfortunately with projection, needs don’t get met and both parties are often frustrated.

We all then wonder, why do people project? Why would this be rewarding or useful?

One Answer: Through projection we can remain invulnerable to rejection and conflict, yet still release emotional energy. This is rewarding and useful in the short-term.

Conversely, it is confrontational and revealing to directly express ourselves. Direct expression in the short-term may be emotional and vulnerable, but the payoff can be great. Relationships have the opportunity of being significantly more healthy when we are able to express ourselves directly.

It takes willingness to be honest with ourselves and others.

Returning to our examples. In both examples, projection is occurring and powerfully avoidant.

In example A, owning personal experiences (frustration and powerlessness) and communicating them may not immediately fix the work environment. But advocating for oneself versus projecting it on someone you love is the first step towards a healthier relationship. *Instead of projection, the emotional energy is released toward the appropriate person.

In example B, owning feelings of neglect and loneliness may come with rejection and vulnerability, but it may also come with healthy self-esteem when we advocate for ourselves. Ideally, it will come with conversations leading toward a healthier relationship with far less confusion.

Consideration:

• Survey your relationships and the places you feel significant emotion.
• Are emotions being released in the appropriate relationship?
• Consider communication, is it passive? Confusing? Avoidant?
• Be willing to express yourself directly.

Here’s to healthy relationships, clear communication, and fewer unmet needs.

Peace. Love. Gratitude.