Emotional Inequality in Relationships, Part 2

In part one we addressed a problem of emotional inequality in relationships. Now, let’s focus on ways to promote emotional equality with three main ideas, creating a holding space, boundaries, and hesitation.

A holding space

Part of equal distribution of emotional weight in relationships may be found in learning how to create a holding space. Consider for a moment how you relate with people. How would you describe your role of helping?

Many overly burdened by others’ emotions find themselves drawn to the role of “fixer.” We’ll affectionately identify this role as the carpenter.

The Carpenter: 

Someone calls and bids emotional “fixing”. You show up, you bring the parts, you bring the instructions, you do the work, you fix the problem. At the end, they are fixed and put back together and we, may feel fulfilled yet distressed and overwhelmed with the amount of emotional stress absorbed.

If we have defined our role in relationships as a “carpenter,” it may be difficult to evenly distribute emotional responsibility.

Many can understand why there is a need to create space for people to work out their own stuff. However, many “carpenters” fight this impulse to “help” by fixing as it is often tied to their sense of value and identity. This is how they have learned to connect and makes many resistant to changing.

So how do we create a holding space instead of fixing space?

Creating a holding space includes restructuring how we relate to people.

I don’t believe there is a greater gift we can give in our relationships than a holding space. Obviously the therapist is going to say something list this…Needless, let me try and convince you of its helpfulness.

A holding space allows pain and emotion, a place to process, and a place to be heard and validated. Our redefined role in this holding space is to resist the urge to fix.

When a holding space instead of a fixing space is created:

• We grant respect for individuals to solve their own problems

• We allow them the ability to experience the weight of their emotions

• We resist the urge to facilitate dependence

• We focus on the journey instead of the results

Like the journey up a mountain, the peak is experienced differently taking a gondola versus by foot. The foot journey takes grit and sweat and feels distinctly different at the top.

In restructuring relationships, we may decide to appreciate how pain and growth works in our lives.

We may work to re-frame the way we see pain and brokenness. When we think about creating a holding space rather than a fixing space in our relationships, we reflect on how pain and brokenness has shaped who we are today.

We don’t want to accidentally steal opportunities of learning and growing because we need our fixing identity validated.

We re-focus: We respect the expression of the sacred space. We are present with others and not willing to skip ahead to fixing rather fixated on remaining present for the journey.

Boundaries

Boundaries may need to be used if creating a holding space is difficult or if people are more overtly asking you to take on more of your fair share of emotional weight. Boundary violations are great indicators that emotional responsibility is unequal.

Here is our working definition of a boundary:

A boundary is a clear understanding of what is okay with you and what is not okay.

Take a moment to do personal inventory. Is it clear to you in relationships what is and is not okay with you.

We likely understand the concept of boundaries best when they are violated. Like the muscle in our body when we stretch a bit too far, emotionally we feel strain and react when something has occurred out of bounds in our relationships.

In our emotional world, it’s common to have difficulty identifying exactly where a boundary has been crossed. Listening to our physical responses may be helpful indicators to take note of.

Boundaries seem to be things we identify through experience.

We also know we’ve blown past boundaries when we set them with aggression and high emotion, or on the other side of the spectrum; depressed and shut down.

• Both are signs we’ve taken on too much emotional weight.

• Both are signs we need to be set boundaries sooner.

It’s helpful to note that many times we learn about our boundaries in less than ideal ways. Blowing past our boundaries feels awful however they are a bit easier to identify and address.

Boundaries can be something we are regularly evaluating. There are certainly seasons of our lives we are more capable of more emotional weight in relationships than others.

Regular self-inventory about what you are okay with and not is necessary for healthy connection and equal distribution of emotional weight.

Hesitation

Learn to hesitate.

We can also slowly re-distribute emotional weight in relationships with hesitation.

We can hesitate to provide feedback, we can hesitate in our reactions, and maybe even hesitate in our roles as previously discussed in part 1. If you normally jump in with both feet to fix people, maybe you skip a turn, maybe you hesitate to say yes, maybe you hesitate for a bit to get involved.

We can probably over-correct in this area and be cold and too guarded. Seek balance. Seek equality. There will be times we fail, and it teaches us more about where the lines are, and where the distribution may closer connect with equality.

Perhaps we journey towards emotional equality through taking inventory of our roles and value in relationships, becoming clear about our boundaries, and learning how to hesitate.

In return, emotional equality has the opportunity to open people up to connect with more health, respect, and fullness. Here’s to the journey seeking emotional equality in your relationships and in mine.

Grace. Patience. Gratitude.