Painsgiving

I’m pretty sure holidays are beautiful, connected, and filled with a deep sense of joy.

However, many who sat in my office the last month, and some of me, articulates a different anticipation of the holidays. Instead of bringing joy, it brings pain; instead of fullness, emptiness.

This is for those who juggle an uncomfortable balance of both happiness and pain:

There are too many empty chairs at my Thanksgiving. 

It makes me aware of a hollowness in my chest. Those empty chairs have violently forced adjustment in my life. It brings a sense of a frozen reality, much like the morning stillness of a first frost.

Those empty chairs were intended to give something to that moment, they had contributions to that conversation, and a warm smile to be experienced.

In loss we are constantly forced to adjust, moment by moment, holiday by holiday.

This is grief, having to adjust.

Sometimes the pain of constant adjustment validates daily grief. But other times, it just becomes this heavy distraction, making us unable to stay connected to what we have in the present; the chairs that are present and accounted for.

Soon enough, it will change again. If we don’t pay attention now, we will have missed the filled chairs we do have. Soon enough, another chair will be missing and another readjustment will be forced. There will be more pain we have to wade through and more emptiness to experience.

Does this seem out of place for Thanksgiving? Maybe. But I debate that. Real connection and Intimacy flows from the whole spectrum of emotion; happiness and joy certainly, but also grief, pain, and depression. Connection comes from both the good and the bad.

I do choose gratitude at the end of my pain. However, it’s fair and reasonable to work through the pain first. And then find gratitude.

The powerful process of expression allows that energy to flow; it releases some of the pain of hollowness.

Through the process of expression, it can be seen. It can be seen and tolerated.

Perhaps part of the holidays is the expression of both the good and the bad.

In my experience, if both the good and bad is allowed to be seen and tolerated, I can move on. I can move on to connection, to gratitude, and to being present with the chairs that are filled in front of me.

Peace. Love. Gratitude.