There are many ways to get off track in a relationship. If we are honest, we can own our part in the failures we have experienced and mistakes we have made in relationships.
The goal of this next series is to connect with common ways couples get off track. Today we will look at “Stonewalling.”
What is it?
Stonewalling: Withdrawing from conversation. A cold refusal to engage with your partner.
Another word for stonewalling is the “silent treatment.” Stonewalling is a communication error that gets couples off track during conflict and at worst, erodes at the core of a relationship. Stonewalling communicates to those around you non verbally and actually is a form of punishment. Chronic stonewalling leads to detachment and disconnection.
John Gottman, a leading couples researcher, talks more on this: Communication Animation.
Sometimes we withdraw from conversation because we don’t know how to communicate our needs; sometimes we withdraw because we feel overwhelmed or angry. Perhaps, it’s just a habit. Regardless of how you came across this pattern, let’s look at how it works.
How it works:
If you, like me, are a “recovering stonewaller,” you may know this method can provide several “benefits”:
- A “safe” way to punish or control your partner
- A way to avoid conflict
- A way to protect yourself
Stonewalling is passive aggressive behavior. Yikes! As I write this, I have several flashbacks of failed attempts to communicate and resolve conflict. I’m sure you have some too.
Principle: Stonewalling doesn’t solve problems and ultimately eats at the relationship from the inside out with anger and bitterness. Ongoing stonewalling leads to detachment and disconnection.
What you can do instead?
Sometimes stonewalling occurs when we run into an area we aren’t sure how to navigate with words. Perhaps you don’t know quite what your needs are yet, especially in the heat of conflict and hurtful content. What you need is an intentional break to gain some personal clarity on your needs and what you want your partner to understand. An intentional break is different from stonewalling in that both parties understand it is a break to cool off and gain perspective, not to punish or control each other.
However, the purpose of breaks need to be communicated clearly.
Example:
“This conversation is important to me, but I feel too frustrated and worked up to fight fair, I need some time to gather my thoughts. Can we try again in 2 hours?“
You have affirmed the priority of the conversation, given yourself a break but not isolated or punished your spouse with stonewalling.
Talking about taking breaks outside of conflict is helpful. It can reduce feelings of rejection when either partner communicates their need for a break.
In my marriage, we usually take a few hours, I go for a run, my husband works out, we get a good night sleep…but we both have the understanding that we will revisit the conversation.
As long as both parties understand the break is for the sake of cooling off instead of punishing the other. This is the difference between stonewalling and a healthy communication pattern.
If you tend to be one who withdraws from conversation or you often refuse to engage with your partner, it might be time to re-evaluate this method. Take time with your partner to look at these patterns (outside of conflict). Make it safe for both of you to take breaks in a healthy way versus feeding the disconnection that comes with stonewalling.
Photo Credit: http://www.courtneyalyson.com/
For more information on John Gottman: The Gottman Institute
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