Anxiety, Part 8: Solutions to Self-Talk

We have come to the last part in the series, I hope you have enjoyed it.

Today we are going to end with solutions to self-talk. Similar to last week, I am going to be very practical.

Self-talk.

Self-talk is often located here on the anxiety cycle:

If you didn’t catch the first part on Self-Talk, Anxiety, Part 4: Self-Talk, here is a quick summary:

Definition.

Self-talk can be described as a tape recorder you internally play while experiencing life. Or, consider self-talk as similar to an internal Facebook newsfeed. Self-talk contains very powerful messages which can affect the quality of life and relationships. Self-talk is often more negative when your anxiety is high. Lastly, recall we discussed that self-talk is often a learned behavior.

As I have mentioned many times in this series, becoming aware is the first step in managing any part of anxiety. If you didn’t take time to work through awareness, I encourage you to do so.

For today, let’s focus on solutions. Here are a few ways, after creating awareness, you can lower your self-talk anxiety.

Solution: Probability vs. Possibility

What is difficult about anxiety, is it is often a strong focus on the unlikely. Usually it begins with one thought or trigger that increases anxiety, and then over time, may turn into a belief. The belief is then, often reinforced from selective attention and a high anxiety filter.

Self-talk can be very dangerous and quite anxiety-producing for those of you who often focus on the unlikely.

For example:

Picture a mother awaiting her daughter to come home on a week night. The mother is settling down in her usual chair, in front of the nightly news, with a cup of hot tea. As she begins to watch the day’s events recounted, she comes across a horrifying scene of a car wrecked on the side of the road filled, with ambulance lights and police cars. As this mother watches the anchor unravel the limited information, she becomes very triggered. The mother begins to feel like it is likely her daughter is in the crash. The mother then becomes so overwhelmed that she begins building a reasonable case that it is her daughter who was suppose to be home close to an hour ago…

She wouldn’t say it out loud perhaps, but her internal logic is: My daughter is not home because she got in a car accident and is hurt.

For this example it may be helpful to consider the probability vs. possibility:

Sure, it is possible that the reason your daughter won’t answer her phone is because she got in an accident and is being rushed to the hospital but, is it probable? She might be, but chances are she has a reasonable excuse for not calling you back and is not the one in the news.

Anxiety can be quite dependent on your emotions, it is helpful to utilize the more concrete parts of your brain that help you reason through these types of events. I would even encourage you to look up statistics. Perhaps while asking yourself, what is the actual likelihood that your daughter would get in an accident? Sometimes, looking at realistic, hard numbers help individuals decrease anxiety. Although unlikely, it is important to acknowledge that there is a possibility of unlikely events but please remind yourself of the probability.

Probability vs. probability is a tool to help identify an individual’s overwhelming focus on small possibilities. If probability vs. possibility is hard for you to think through on your own, try this next solution.

Solution: Allow a friend to speak into your anxiety

As mentioned in the first post, being around other people who are high on the anxiety scale, Anxiety, Part 2: Triggers, is often counterproductive to managing anxiety. Your anxiety level will probably not come down when you are in the company of people who typically have high anxiety. At best, your anxiety will stay the same or unfortunately increase. However, low to moderate anxiety holders may significantly help you look at your situation from a helpful perspective.

The principle is simply to know who these people are in your life. When you are high on the anxiety scale, know who you need to be around to look clearly at your situation. Highly anxious friends are going to give you a high anxiety filter. Less anxious people are going to advocate a less anxious and perhaps more realistic perspective on life.

Now, everything in balance. Don’t cut out your anxious friends all together, these friends I am sure help you in other parts of your life and may be a huge support to you. But know yourself, and know who you need to connect with to reduce anxiety.

Additionally, if your friend is not available, it has also been helpful to mentally picture what your less anxious friend would say/do in an anxiety-producing situation. Say for example, you feel that you completely screwed up an important meeting and you believe it was catastrophic to your career. It would be a helpful exercise to insert mentally what a less-anxious friend would say in this situation.

Overall, a friend who is less anxious when you are quite anxious may be an intentional way to help you feel more grounded, positive, realistic and healthy.

If connecting with a friend is not an option, consider the following solution:

Solution: Avoid stewing & take a mental break

This solution is important. Often, those who struggle with anxiety are classic “mental pilers.” You may be triggered with one hard event and then begin snowballing, into what you believe at that time, every failure or mistake you have ever experienced.

“If I screwed up the meeting, I must also be a terrible employee, an awful parent, a bad spouse, dumb, ugly….”

Do you see the snowball effect?

Mental piling may be a lot like carrying a huge backpack of anxiety.

The damage of mental piling may result in:

• Feeling like a failure
• Low self-worth
• High anxiety
• Depressive feelings

The solution of taking a mental break, is necessary to manage your anxiety.

Decide what it is that helps you clear your mind. If you don’t have one of these activities, you will need to find one. Everyone’s schedules, kids and careers are hard to work around, and this will never change, you will always be busy. Write into your schedule mental break activities.

For me, a mental break includes running. I run to release stress, anxiety and allow my mind rest. I highly recommend it.

Running may not be for you, but find something that gives you space to release stress and anxiety for a time.

Finding an activity that allows a mental break is necessary to learn how to manage your anxiety. In the awareness part of the series, I encouraged you to learn about your self-talk. Now is the time to intervene when anxiety has gone too high. For everyone it is different, but I think anytime you are over a “6” on the anxiety scale (Anxiety, Part 2: Triggers), your body is telling you, you need a break. The intervention in self-talk, is you taking a mental break when you have been stewing too long. Often a mental break gives you time to look at your situation in a healthier and more realistic way.

As you think about where to insert mental breaks, consider the last solution.

Solution: Create a priority list

From my experience, expectations and relationships are breeding grounds for high anxiety.This solution is specifically for expectations and relationships.

Messages you are playing mentally (self-talk) may often relate with expectations of your relationships. Like…

• I can’t disappoint this person because…
• They will judge me if I don’t do…
• I need to meet this expectation…
• I need to be…

The above is only a sampling of the “should’s” and “ought to’s” people place in their life. My suggestion would be to create a list. Managing this part of your anxiety will require some leg work. However, the payoff is getting the words outside of yourself and taking control over who you are, what you do and who/what you feel responsible for.

Reducing your own anxiety will take deciding:

• Who is important to disappoint and who is not
• Who’s judgment is truly important to you
• Who’s expectations are most important
• Who you desire to be

This will certainly take time. But, if you don’t decide who takes over your mental space, someone else will. It is so important to prioritize what and who you give mental space to. When you do decide on this priority list it will then take follow through. A list will do no good if you don’t implement it. But, do give yourself time to learn this new skill. I wouldn’t expect this change to happen in a week or even a month. I would expect it to take a reasonable amount of time. After all, you are asking yourself to change what you have practiced for a long time. Expect it to take a reasonable amount of time to experience change.

We have discussed a lot of material the last few months. As I have often said, take a few solutions you connect with now, work with them and come back for others later. Don’t take on too much fixing and change all at a time.

Slow. Sustainable. Change.

Also, here is a worksheet for those of you who are visual. I use this often for anxiety management: Unhelpful Thinking Styles

I hope you enjoyed the series. Beyond enjoying it, I hope you learned something about yourself and increased your quality of life.

Photo Credit: http://www.courtneyalyson.com