Why we wait to get help

It’s probably a human problem of pride. It sure seems like no one ever looks for help until the absolute last second. Maybe you are about to end a relationship, give up on yourself, or you are at a state of anxiety where you don’t sleep at all! Why do we do this to ourselves? Do we deny there are problems? Is it hard to accept that it’s so yucky? Are we plain lazy? I would say all can be reasons why we wait to get help.

My belief is people often want to fix problems with quick bandaids instead of deal with root problems. One of my mentors use to give the analogy of the “flat tire syndrome.” People often get help for their problems in a state of crisis, they fill up their tire and the problem seems to be fixed! Magic! And then everyone is surprised when 3 weeks later another crisis comes along and they are back where they started, unable to cope. They are unable to cope because they didn’t actually fix the hole in the tire, they just filled it with air as a temporary fix. This is a sign we are trying to fix root problems with bandaids.

Let me give some brief definitions of what I would consider a bandaid problem versus a root problem. This is not a hard line, but what I think are good examples:

A problem that is likely to need a bandaid: When healing from a loved one’s death, individuals often experience depression as a form of grieving. Many work through phases of sadness out of grieving. Depression is considered a healthy and normal experience after you lose someone you love. This type of depression represents a stage of life and may only need to be aided with extra love and care. Experiencing depression after enduring death does not necessarily represent evidence of a root problem that needs intensive therapy. Now, can bereavement depression spiral into deep depression that needs therapy attention and possibly medication? Of course! But in many cases, this type of depression is a natural experience that needs time for healing. I would consider this a bandaid problem that needs gentleness and love.

A problem that is likely to need root attention: Chronic frustration and anger. If in many situations you tend to easily snap into anger or frustration, i.e. you chronically have short fuse, it may be time to look at a root. This is a time people often work to justify their frustration and anger by blaming their circumstance, job, spouse, and so on. If this is chronic, it may not be other people, it maybe an indicator you need to make a change. It might be time to be more honest with yourself.

Again, these are just a few examples of what I view as an important difference between a phase of life problem, (for example, grieving) and a problem that needs to be fixed through the root (such as chronic frustration and anger).

What is the remedy to these problems if we are not quite ready to get help but need to begin the process? In an ideal world we would all ask for help sooner than the “crisis,” but so often it is not the case. So I say, my encouragement is that even if you wait until the crisis, to be mindful of the crisis with honesty.

Today, I am going to connect with one principle. What I have learned most in my journey, is the place of honesty. In such a chaotic world, being honest with ourselves and others is more important than anything. I think often denying truths about ourselves and others can be very dangerous. It often propels us to make exceptions to problems that keep recurring and thus keep us tied to fixing problems with bandaids instead of honestly looking at root problems. If you hear anything today, I encourage you to look honestly at yourself, your relationship, your job, your circumstances. it may be a time you step back from your situation and seek a more honest perspective. It may be time to take a small step towards healing a piece of your life.